Declassay

For those of you who have ever received an evite you know that there are the options of yes, no and maybe. You also may or may not be aware that the sender can see everytime you view the invitation. Ok, that being said... how the hell hard is it to RSVP? Do you need extra time to come up with an excuse? Are you waiting for a better offer? It's not like you are being asked to commit to something that is months away... it is in 3 weeks. If you watch Real Housewives, you would know the word of the YEAR is "declassay."

I would also like to make a confession. I am the person that will look at your registery, find the same item cheaper at a different store and buy it. This practice is biting me in the ass and coming back to haunt me. I am going to have 10,000 bibs.

I have lived in the same house for 5 years, why does the beast still bark every Wednesday and Saturday when the sprinklers come on?

You want sex? Get your hair cut. See I told you.

Cpt J's wife is boiling and clammy in the Sunshine State

"What A Beautiful Mess I Am In"

Cpt J is accompanying me to my gestational diabetes class tomorrow. Just the way a person would like to spend a Wednesday morning after a long 4 day schedule. He is being a super-trooper about the whole situation and is eager to go because this is one thing that he has NO CLUE about. He doesn't get why I stab my finger four times a day and get all these random readings on this little monitor. Honestly, I don't really get what I am looking for either. All I know is I have managed to keep my glucose under 140 which seems to be the magic number.

Prior to our wedding we both went on Atkin's to see how much we could lose. I won with a whopping 13 pounds! Had to quit that diet when I passed out in the shower because my sugar dropped SO LOW... it's all just an evil plan to make you buy healthy food at the grocery store. But, in the long run works.

My MIL is not coming to the baby shower. While I am not shocked, I am still slightly miffed about her decision. She is honestly not coming because I live too far for her to drive alone and my FIL will not drive her because he has nothing to do for two hours. Cpt J is flying... can't he trip trade or call out? NOPE. He told her NO. I am so proud of him. He ALWAYS makes concessions for his family... NOT THIS TIME. There are 6 people so far that are coming just as far for the day to share this moment with me. WHATEVER! And what is the protocol for responding to an evite? Are you too dumb to see that I can see that you have seen it and haven't responded? What are you waiting for? It's a simple yes or no. For Godsakes, there is even a MAYBE response for those of you who have lives that are SUPER busy and don't know what you can commit to a month from now. And just on a side note.... none of the outstanding responses have jobs that require them to travel.

I love watching my tummy move. I don't like when he sits on my bladder. I like that the people at the grocery store refuse to let me take the cart out alone. I don't like that they talk to me the whole way to the car.

I welcome you week 30, bring on the next 10.

Cpt J's wife is in a beautiful mess

Don't Watch Maury

I have not gotten out of my pajamas all day. My OB called this morning with the dreaded news that I failed my three-hour glucose test. I seriously thought that something like this only happened to people who are significantly overweight and unhealthy. Well, WRONG. I have kept my pregnancy weight to a minimum, I haven't indulged in all-you-can-eat-sweets and have made every effort to eat healthy. Now, I have to monitor my blood four times a day and change my diet. WTF?? So, on this rainy Southern day, I have sat in my own filth and cried.

Thank God Cpt J is flying four legs today and won't be home until late. I have talked to him several times, trying to muster up the strength to keep him on the positive side. He can hear through my lies that I have been sleeping and crying, but never tells me - I just know. I know, I know, this happens to a lot of people and it turns out to be ok... but, I feel like I have somehow failed. What if I have predisposed my son to problems as he gets older? SHIT!!

Furthermore, what if I have a "large baby?" That's what I get for watching all of those episodes of Maury where the kids are 100 pounds and still in diapers.

Thanks, I just needed to feel sorry for myself for a minute.

Cpt J's wife will be skipping the Oreo aisle

Unauthorized Touching

So, a couple of my girlfriends are flying in from the NE to throw me a baby shower. While I am looking forward to seeing my girls, I am not looking forward to the actual event. I have already told these chicks that I do not want to play any "party games." I have only had two unauthorized tummy touches (both of which were women from the UK) and I am not looking forward to the oohs and ahhs. I am an eye-roller, I look for other eye-rollers. You know what I mean...

I braved the three-hour glucose test. That sucked. So many people come and go from those lab places. Yuck.

I have resorted to using a pantyliner to catch the tinkle that the baby creates when he kicks my bladder. Well, the damn thing slides all over the place in my GIGANTIC panties that I bought. I look like I am carrying a load in my ass and Cpt J finds folding the undies a huge amusement.

Don't you have an airplane to fly somewhere?

Cpt J's wife is ready to have this BUNDLE OF JOY now

Mother F'er

So... I failed the glucose test now I have to do the three-hour test... motherf***r!!!

I Peed On Myself

I peed myself. Yes, it can and will happen.

I decided to inhale some chips and salsa yesterday. Well, long story short I started choking on a chip. Actually I think I inhaled it into my lung - which is possible ya know. I seriously thought I was dying. So, what do I do? I try to throw it up. One little gag and I peed myself. Then I started gagging harder and peed myself again. Now that it is over it had to be a riot to watch. I leaned over the toilet gagged, eep I tinkled, gag, tinkle... needless to say Cpt J found me in the shower crying.

I didn't want to argue with the nurse when she told me I have only gained 6 pounds. J and I sort of looked at each other in disbelief. But it makes sense, I gained 6 - lost 6 and gained the 6 back. It really sounds better than I really it is 12. Whatever - I feel like I have gained 50. I hear it will be a blessing in the future because it is ALL in front. I have managed to so far avoid ALL AROUND weight gain.

Little MeMe is in constant motion. I asked the doc if it was gas or movement. She looked at me like an idiot and said, "you can't tell the difference between gas and a baby?" I felt like an ass, but if you only poop like once a week if you are lucky, you forget the tell-tale signs.

I have to confess some things about the "bitch-I-used-to-work-with." Apparently I may be the bitch... more to follow.

Cpt J's wife needs a prego diaper