Got The Digits?

Ok... my optimism... out the door. I am done. I am done trying to maintain a positive attitude. I am done paying and getting JACK in return. If anyone knows the number to unemployment, the medicare and medicaid offices, and the food stamp and welfare offices in Lake County Florida - please pass along. I should have enough gas in my car to get me to downtown Orlando which is Orange County if need be.

I knew that things were going to be tough and slow going. I am smart and thought ahead - putting money away to survive for a while if we have to. But, now that my job looks like it is in jeapordy - I am F'N FREAKING out. Hence, beanie weenies and Keystone Light.

At least I am not alone. The Playboy Bunnies lost their Superbowl gig along with Sports Illustrated. Seriously, I know that I am not alone - but with my hormones all over the place I am in a mental pile of poop. More to follow...

Cpt J's wife workin' the welfare line

Dream A Little Dream

I have heard that being pregnant makes you have weird sometimes nightmarish dreams. My nights of late have been filled with CRAZY, BIZARRE, action-packed dreams that have left me wondering each morning, WTF? The most recent has involved people that I have not seen, heard, or spoken to in years.

I will admit that I cyberstalk certain people on myspace (I have a fake account) and Cpt J and I have a facebook account that has dredged up some odd people that want to be our friends? hhhmmmmm... But, I have been doing this for ages, so I will blame the prego-ness and the Publix vanilla frozen yogurt with raspberry swirls and chocolate cups filled with raspberry that I have to have every night before going to bed.

He's the most recent, a million years ago, but still before J. He was in the dream last night. I think this person had the biggest impact on why I am the way I am today. He led me to a place I had never been. I became a liar, a cheat, an addict. I gave up everything, including myself. I found my way back. It took a while, but here I am. But I do think of him. I wonder what became of his nomadic lifestyle. I heard he had been in a serious car accident injuring himself and his passenger. I heard that his mom died. Nothing ever positive. Last night he was there, smiling that contagious smile and smoking a cigarette. It was funny, I felt like I did all those years ago. Separated from reality, irresponsible and selfish. When I woke up I felt so relieved that all was just a dream. But, it was a great reminder that I am grateful to be alive.

So, bring on the wacky dreams. I am ready to see some friends that have passed, I hope my dad comes to talk to me. I am not ready for the nightmares, so I will keep a clean spirit and go to bed with good feelings in my heart.

Cpt J's wife wonders what ever happened to "Cool Breeze"

First Was Sassy, Now It's Feisty

Good God I can't wait until February 1st. J has been on reserve this week and if he tells me one more time, "well, I am the house bitch," he's getting knocked out. I mean, don't get me wrong, at least he knows his place, but the constant announcement is getting a bit old. And furthermore, he SUCKS as house bitch. aaccccckkkkk!!!

So, the outlaws will not be over on Sunday. Apparently, Cpt J ASSUMED he had Sunday off, but he doesn't. He has 4 legs which will keep him away for about 12 hours. So.... yay, I am off the hook for the visit right? Oh hell no, they are coming Friday. While I am at work. Spending the night. Supposedly leaving Saturday. I will eat my sock if they leave Saturday. I blame J for this, he is a mommy wuss and I am up to HERE with it!!!! aaaaccckkkkkk!!!

Cpt J and I have yet to combine bank accounts, I personally do not see the need. Our system has worked for the past million years, so why fix somethin' that ain't broke? Apparently SOMEONE in J's family "inquired" about how we will be handling additional costs with a new family member. WTF??? I mean SERIOUSLY WTF??? Why is this ANYONE'S business? Until I ask you for some kind of financial help, which DEAR GOD please don't ever let me have to, it is none of your f'n business!!! And what do you mean "handle?" Has there been some indication that we have to "handle" additional expenses? I seriously think the time has come for a conversation to happen. The visit will be the first time EVER that I will not have a drop of drink to get me through. I will have total clarity. She is going down. Or J is going down. I am so done with their interfering and J allowing it. Enough said.

February's flight schedule is glorious. I will be so pleased to get my living room and home office back. I love you Cpt J, but I am looking forward to the return of Molly Maids.

Cpt J's wife is feistier than ever today

Feelin' Irie

Phony-phonerton is making an appearance this week. Vacay with her idiot husband and obnoxious kids. Wait just one dang-gone minute missy...... I thought you were broke! I thought you hated your husband and wanted a divorce... how did you both get vacation time at your new jobs so quickly? Whatever.

My SIL sent me somewhat of a heartfelt email this morning. Asked me how I was feeling, you know the usual niceties. She then proceeded to tell me that she wishes she could have another baby and make her younger-than-her fiance a father. Crickets. Crickets. Crickets. WTF??? The email ended with, "I told Al that I am planning on coming down when the baby is born - or whenever you want me that is." These people are certifiably nuts. At least I know now that J told her she can't be on top of me once MeMe arrives. Good job Cpt J!

To my prego and previously prego friends, why the hell didn't you warn me about leukorrhea? While it isn't a MAJOR problem, I have not worn a pantyliner in like 20 years! They haven't made any advances over those years to make them more comfortable. They stick where the shouldn't, slide around and are just yucky. YUCK!!

I am determined to keep my sector in a good mood today. The other side of the office is acting a hot mess and I can't be bothered. So, my assistant has her reggae going on and we are currently smiling.

Cpt J's wife feelin' irie

Sassy

Well, the shopping trip with heli-mom wasn't nearly as bad as I had anticipated. Unfortunately she likes the tag "heli-mom" and tells everyone. I avoided the purchase of "maternity pants" and bought a couple of pairs that are a few sizes to big. Well, they used to be too big, now they just look cute.

The outlaws are coming over to watch the superbowl. Cpt J claims they are coming in Sunday and leaving Monday. We'll see, it is a proven fact that they like my house more than their own. At least cutiepatootie is coming over also, hopefully sans the "I like to show my boobs on facebook" girlfriend. I provided J with the menu - beanie weenies, generic chips and Keystone Light. Times are hard people, and last time she cooked she poisoned me.

My cousin in Scotland is due 5 days before me. Too freakin' weird. This is my mom's sister's daughter. We have NEVER gotten along. I went to Scotland for the first time when I was 15 (she was 18). We went in to Glasgow to go to a club where my other cousin worked the door. She attempted to leave me there at 3:00 AM with no idea how to get back to my granny's house. Thank God my other cousin (there were like 5 of us) succumbed to guilt and came back for me. Why you ask would she do this? Well, I pushed her off my horse when I was like 6 (my mom's whole family came to our farm in TN). Good grief, she wasn't hurt - I was 6 for Godsake!!! My granny called me a "spoiled American brat" which pissed off my mom which led to why I didn't see them again until almost 10 years later. My auntie comes to see my mom about once a year and we are magnificent friends, but I have NEVER made a truce with my cousin. Until now. She emails me religiously once a week like we are the best of friends. She is begging for a visit next year... WTF? I swear, what being pregnant does to people.

I asked J to read Belly Laughs - what a difference in how he is treating me. Let's see how long I can milk this one.

My stalker co-worker has lost like 3 pounds. People, she is squeezed so tight into a polyester-type- material-suit that every roll is screaming to be freed. It's 3 f'n pounds!!!! So, that is your visual for today.

I borrowed this from Mandy, check it out - I am "WHY?" "Why" am I suprised??

http://blogthings.com/whatsyourwordquiz/

Cpt J's wife has her sassy pants on

I Am One Of THEM

I have two emotions - one of pure terror and one of pure excitement. I am going to be totally honest on my opinion of being a mom, so fair warning - don't call CPS. Whenever the mom's in my office start gushing about their children, I put on a happy face and listen like I care. I have never had a maternal instinct in my body. There was a time that I could have cared less one way or the other if I ever had children. I find them stinky, obnoxious and annoying. I hold them like a football and turn them over the moment they fart, scrunch up their face, or grab my jewlery.

When Cpt J and I decided to try for a baby, it was for him. I knew that my biological days were numbered and having a family is something that he told me he wanted from the get go. I managed to put it off for 8 years before realizing it is now or never. I got sucked in to the conversations with my girlfriends that are trying and that one night... well, the rest is history.

I never understood women that constantly rubbed their bellies, or sat in meetings with their hand resting on top of this stretched out skin. I made fun of an old friend for sitting and eating a pound of peanut m & m's. I got pissed off when pregnant women were given the privilege of parking closer to the building or called out sick all the time. I was a pregnant woman hater.

Now I am one of them.

I read parenting magazine at the doctors office. I love getting free samples in the mail of diapers and formula. I count the days until the next ultrasound when I can see the MeMe growing and hearing the heart beat. I woke up this morning with my hand resting on my warm tummy. I am excited when I have to poop. My future plans involve - a baby.

I can't wait to take MeMe to Key West and listen to island music with the ocean breeze blowing. I can't wait until MeMe is old enough to put floaties on and learn how to swim. I am already looking in to our first family photo that will include the beast. There is just so much I have in my life that I am excited to share with someone new. I wonder if he or she will love the beach and the sun and dancing as much as we do. I am terrified of losing sleep, heartbreaks, the internet, finances, dropping him or her... two different emotions keep me going every day.

Cpt J's wife is having a moment

Hormonal Rages

My mojo was off yesterday, big time. Nothing went right, everyone pissed me off and most of all I didn't want to go home because I knew I would fight with my husband. I love him, I do, but sometimes he is the biggest airhead. How this man is capable of flying an aircraft and taking care of people is sometimes beyond me when he can't even take direction from one person.

I left all the appropriate seasonings and directions out for Cpt J to put the pot roast in. He called to "double check" and apparently asked me about a seasoning similarly named to one that I had left out. Because I was at work I said, "yeah, yeah," and didn't give it a second thought. When I walked in the door I smelled steak grilling. I thought it odd, opened the oven door and there was my pot roast - uncovered (ignored the tin foil tent direction), drowning in steakouse MARINADE. Not, steakhouse DRY SEASONING that I clearly left on the counter. Shit.

We are having a major cold spell here in Central Florida. It has been down to freezing every night the past two nights. Night before last I went out, took old sheets and covered my most delicate plants. This morning I looked out the slider and noticed a pile of sheets on the porch....wtf you ask? Well, J decided to take all the sheets off the plants because it wasn't going to freeze. Well, genius if you had watched the news you would have seen that it was COLDER last night and there was FROST this morning. Watching the news requires you to turn of PS3 for a few minutes, you know weather on the one's? Shit.

I bought Jenny McCarthy's Belly Laughs, I love her honesty. I am clearly in the hormonal, psycho phase of my pregnancy. I haven't thrown anything at Cpt J yet, but I feel it brewing.

One of the coordinators in my office met one of Cpt J's coworkers at Margaritaville last night. Kill me now. She told this guy that we are "friends" and proceeded to tell him and his wife about how much I bitch about J's PS3 and my pregnancy. She is one of those people that sort of stalk you from the fringe. You know, listens in on your conversations and thinks she is part of it? Had to explain that situation to Cpt J in case this guy says anything to him about my wacky work "friend." I swear, no place is sacred. Shit.

I am going shopping with my helicopter mom on Saturday. I am already having an anxiety attack, doesn't she know it is easier for me to stay away from people and just shop online?? Shit.

Cpt J's wife is longing for the weekend

I Voted, But I Can't Spell

A blogger went on to rant this morning about "finally the a**hole is out! God Bless Barrak!" I commented to the dumbass and told him how to correctly spell Barack. He didn't thank me.

I am white, I am off to try and make it right.

Whatever.

Cpt J's wife thinks Mrs. Obama's outfit was to sparkly for day wear.

Middle Finger Mania

Seriously, what is wrong with people? Ok, as you know, I am some what of the street gustapo. I only take mind of what is going on on my street and the streets I have to come and go on in my 'hood - I don't go around taking notes of EVERYONE (although it may seem that way). The posted speed limit on the side streets is 15 and 25 on the main thoroughfare. J goes 15.. I don't. I usually keep it around 20-25 the whole way until I am out on the "highway." Well, I pull out of my driveway this morning, ease up to around 20 mph when I look back and some JACKASS is a pickup truck is like RIDING my bumper. I let the s***ofab*** ride me the whole way. When I get out to the "highway," I slow down to take a look at the magnet on the side of the truck to see who this "person" is. And guess what??? He gave me the finger!!! Idiot, I am going to find out who you are. You came out of a cul-de-sac. Whether you live at the end of my street, or if you were picking someone up, I am going to find out who you are. I am on a mission tonight when I get home. F'ers.

Sorry for the colorful tone this morning, I am just really TICKED off. I am so sick of rude, obnoxious, angry people. Listen, I am trying to pay my bills too. I cringe at the cost of gas, groceries and a movie ticket. I am grateful every day that my husband and I have a job and that my mom is still getting a pension check every month. I run late and have clothes that don't fit, I have a dog that won't always poop when I want him to and a husband that STILL puts the trashcan and recycle bin behind my car every Sunday night!! I don't go out flicking people off, cutting in line, huffing, puffing or bitching at everyone. Life is too short people, whether you like it or not we are all in this together.

Whew, thanks.

Cpt J's wife has settled on names of a boy or girl, do not try to change my mind

Whew

Whew, that's all I have to say - whew.

Mind Your Business

I let my SIL have it last night. I am sure she will not be speaking to me for quite some time - good. I was discussing the distain of Cpt J and his smoking, she came to his defense and gave me some lip service about nagging him. I gave her Cpt J's two options, quit or love your child from a distance (with a few colorful words thrown in), handed the phone to J and walked away.

I know I can't expect everyone to go cold turkey like I did. I miss smoking, I liked it. But now, not so much. Honestly, I don't nag. I think the wretching is hint enough. I just have had it with J's family and their pedestal they have placed him on.

God, I am cranky, like super bitch.

Cpt J's wife, staying to herself to avoid conflict

Um, Hello... Anybody In There?

Even though you knew you were pregnant did you ever "stop" feeling pregnant? Because I have OCD I feel like I need to go in for another ultrasound immediately. I need something to be going on every day in order to reassure myself that I am still pregnant. I know, I am an idiot. Someone suggested buying my own "doppler" so I could hear the heartbeat. Ok, no. I will so have that thing attached to my stomach ALL DAY and the minute I don't hear something right away or I think it sounds different I will go out of my mind. My doc would grow to hate me.

Cpt J and I discussed a gun safe if he has to have these damn things in the house. It is extremely heavy and has a door that locks. We would keep it in our home office. More to follow, the guns haven't even been purchased yet. It may be one of those things that J is just talking about and the more I harp on it, the quicker he will go out and make a purchase.

One thing that reminds me that I am prego is that I pee like 500 times a day.

Cpt J's wife needs everything to happen NOW

Gun Control

As I have mentioned before my hubbie is a self-proclaimed redneck. He informed me last night that he will be going with his co-worker to a "class" next week to get his "permit" to carry a concealed weapon. Now, this has NOTHING to do with work. It has to do with these two getting together and freaking out that they need to buy guns and get these "permits" ASAP before the new Prez puts certain "laws" in to effect. Cpt J has been doing his research as he typically does when he makes a large purchase, which I appreciate. HOWEVER, the bomb-diggity was when he asked where he could hang a gun rack. WTF? "We do not hang gun racks in our house darling!!" "Well, once I get a shotgun and blahblahblah (I have drowned him out at this point), I will need someplace to put them." "How about hidden away, far, far away from me and the child that will be here?"

I knew that Cpt J wore cowboy boots and listened to Willie Nelson when I met him. I clearly saw that he drank Budweiser (changed to Coors Light about 5 years ago) and smoked Marlboro's (changed to Marlboro Ultra Lights about 5 years ago). I know that to this day he looks for the bumper sticker that says, "If You Ain't Country You Ain't Shit." He goes out on his buddies airboat and tells tall tales of gator hunting and staying at fish camps when he was a kid. He changes his own oil and tinkers around in the garage, mows the lawn and tends to his roses, sits in the backyard with the beast watching the sprinklers cover the manure he just put on a bald spot in the grass. He keeps the bird feeder filled and throws pinecones at the black birds.

What I didn't know was that he wants guns in the house. This is going to be a problem.

Cpt J's wife trying to find a compromise

Plugs

Since I am no longer able to sit and drink my Sundays away on the back porch with Cpt J, we went to the movies. We haven't gone to the movies in years due to the cost and disappointment of what we went to see. We are always so relieved that we waited for them to come out on DVD.

We saw Gran Torino. Now, I agreed to see a Clint Eastwood movie for Cpt J. I had only seen previews and had no idea that this movie is not what it appears. I expected lots of cussing, lots of violence, lots of blood. Without ruining it for you, I recommend this movie. I will warn you, there are racial slurs and mild violence (that you see). But, it all makes sense. It all comes together in the end. I cried. I cried hard at the end. I left there feeling good about life, I leave it at that. I look forward to hearing from others that have seen it.

I also recommend the http://www.pregnancystore.com/bella_band.htm. I found mine at Target and love it. I have also developed the results of prune juice. No need to elaborate.

While I miss smoking, I can no longer tolerate the smell. I wretch, gag, borderline throw up. I have told Cpt J if he does not quit I have to get a divorce. He smokes outside, like way out in the yard... but it is on his clothes, in his hair, EVERYWHERE!!

Cpt J's wife hopes everyone has a great week

Fiber and Other Random Rambling

I look pregnant today. I have a super cute little dress on under a suit jacket, pantyhose pulled up under my boobs, over my bloated belly. I don't want to look so pregnant this early, it's too soon. Can't control nature, I get it - but, I am not ready for maternity clothes. Thank goodness it is Friday, I can look forward to two days of stretchy pants and my slippers.

Hubs is in Vegas, he won't be home until after midnight. He has been studying like a madman and sounds soooo tired. That time change is a killer, I feel bad for him. It is supposed to rain and be cool this weekend, I see us parked on our new sofa, dozing and watching movies. Yippeee!

I have not heard a peep from Cpt J's family. Selfish somethin' somethin's. I know, I know, I don't really ever answer the phone when they call... but, an email or voice mail would be the kind thing to do. The standard, "so how are you feeling? Would you mind emailing the pictures to us?" Something along those lines seems appropriate. Whatever. Keep sealin' the deal people. At least my cutie-pa-toodie nephew calls me. I think his dad must have been the mailman.

By the way, all those "fiber laxatives" out there suck. They don't work. They need to add a little diuretic to prenatals to help with digestion.

Cpt J's wife is bloated to the size a small passenger van, but her hair looks great!

It's Not A Baby, It's A Bean!

Whoop, whoop, we are having a lima bean!

I do not like male downstairs doctors, I haven't since I was a teenager. Nothing gross ever happened to me or anything, I just don't like them. They can't relate and I think pretty indifferent. So, I have been going to this practice for 5 years. With the exception of one time, I have always seen the wife who is a PA, or the nurse practitioner who is also a woman. Well, guess who takes care of the prego women? Yep, the MAN!

Well, no one mentioned to me that I would be having cultures taken yesterday. So, here I am all psyched up for a discussion and an ultrasound when the little nursy nurse deflated me. "Please remove all your clothing from the waist down?" WTF I am screaming in my head!!! There I sat for 15 long minutes, in my cashmere sweater, pearls and socks. In walks Mr. I-have-no-personality, shakes my hand and parks his ass in the rolling chair. "You need to spread your legs further apart." OH NO!!! I am sweating like a pig, clenching my butt cheeks together, holding my breath and on the verge of tears. It was over within a minute, but I was ready to get the hell out of there. I hadn't showered since the morning, and due to my current lack of sex drive or wearing a bathing suit, I hadn't trimmed! All I could think of was "boy, she looks put together on the outside, but not down here!!!" Thank God I refreshed my deoderant before going in, otherwise with all the sweating I would have smelled I hadn't showerd at all!!!

Then the lights went off, Cpt J came in and held my hand, and there it was - immediately a heart beat. A little lima bean, floating around in a big abyss with a heart beat swishing away. I was in too much shock to cry, to in awe to take my eyes off the screen. We made a person, a person with a heart beat. It seemed like it was over before it started... out of the building we walked, clutching our little black and white bean photo.

Cpt J had to leave for Vegas this morning. We stood with the beast sitting between us and just hugged. It has been a long time since I had the "be safe and don't talk to strangers" talk with J. I leaned down to hug the beast and told him to tell daddy we need him to come back safe and sound. At that moment, all was good in the world.

Cpt J's wife will be outside the silver lining again tomorrow

It Ain't Gonna Happen

I may or may not have mentioned that my SIL is getting married - again. The same one that sent out the infamous "letter." When they discussed potentially making their living arrangement official, they both said, "NO wedding, just the JP and a party after." So, that has all changed and been tossed with the bath water. Now the woman wants a church wedding and a full blown reception. Guess when... did you guess? Yep, this summer. Oh, in North Carolina. Ok, so this would be fine except - I am pregnant. Like, really pregnant at that point and I refuse to fly after a certain "window." So, why is this her problem you ask? Well, her brother will not be attending if I can't. That may sound horribly bitchy, but I think her selfish choices are bitchy. Screw everyone else and what they have going on, she needs to get married again damnit!!! Forget the fact that 3/4 of her family all just travelled to be with her for the Holidays. AAACCCKKKK! Cpt J WILL NOT be taking time off to be in or attend this wedding, not at this juncture in our lives.

So, today is the big day. I am terrified, excited and anxious all at the same time. I think seeing MeMe for the first time is really going to make it all "real." Now I will know who is injesting all this fruit! =)

Cpt J thinks she lives in her own little world

Duh Moment

Did anyone ever tell you that if you pull a ponytail too tight it will eventually make your hairline recede? Or is this just one of those common sense things I should have figured out on my own?

Cpt J's wife is having a lot of duh moments

HaHa Gotcha

Ok, my attempts to "turn over a new leaf" is not really working out. There is just too much insanity around me, too many goobs that cause me to whine, bitch and comment about.

First off, I am not predicting a "wonderful, can't wait to do this again," pregnancy. I am tired and constipated, I wake up every morning on my back, with my mouth open and a desert like community living amongst my teeth. I have nightmares and my anxiety has reached a new level.

Cpt J's niece, well my niece too although I really don't want to claim her, got a tattoo on her neck. WTF? She's 18 and from the 'burbs. Only cool, gangster-types, can get away with tattoos on their necks. I don't have a problem with the cute little ones on the BACK on of your neck, where you can hide it with your hair if you need to. Not this disgusting dedication to a deceased relative on the side of your neck. Cpt J sees no problem with this. Then again, nothing his family does is wrong.

No, I have not bought anything for the baby. It's bad luck to buy things this early. Don't worry, MeMe will have EVERYTHING he or she wants - EVERYTHING. Yes, my child will be spoiled - I was, I turned out fine.

I still do not like my nephew's girlfriend. She is a pain in the ass. He planned to go to CLT to see his mom for a week. This chick couldn't be away from him that long, so she bought a last minute plane ticket that required yet another hour drive to the airport and a return to FLL, layover in ATL - when my pumpkin was at PBI!!! And then flight from ATL was cancelled, so he had to stay in South Florida an extra day. I know, I know, it's not ALL her fault - I just don't like her.

On a fun note, I rule at Wii Bowling. I finally found something that I can beat Cpt J! I will never understand War of Combat, or Combat of War... whatever, but I ROCK at bowling!!

I received a "escrow overpayment" check, my mortgage went down $29 a month starting in February and I bought a new sectional. My pregnancy craving is shopping. I have never been a shopper or frivilous spender, but I see the next 7 months filled with unecessary purchases.

I am still on my fruit kick and I can't get enough LaCroix Raspberry flavored water.

Cpt J's wife failed at her turn-around in less than a week