An Island To Myself

The Bickerson's invited us over to their place on Saturday for a game and out on the boat. While we first agreed, after a long discussion last night we are not going to go. While it may sound totally obnoxious, I don't like to spend more than one weekend with any of our friends in one month. Honestly, I would rather go a few months ... I don't like it when the comfort level has been breached. The whole episode Saturday night put me off and I need a break.

Several of Cpt J's college buddies are now based at MCO and I am less than thrilled. Overall I like J's friends, but these guys - not so much. They are single and seem to have a different chick at every get-together. They feed J's video game and car obsession. It's like they are 12 when they are together. Several car shows are coming up and I have been conveniently squeezed out of going (secretly I could care less but I still am pouting). I really, honestly, sincerely wish I had a bunch of girlfriends to do stuff with - but it isn't going to happen.

My neighbor BFF is officially, no longer my BFF. They have not spoken one word to either myself of J since the party and I think it is weird. Even if I am totally imagining things, I still feel that in the interest of good neighbor relations, they should at least wave. I think J let it slip that I am the one who turned them in for the trashcan. My darling husband will never tell me, but I thinking that might be it. If not, puh (me spitting) - their dead to me!

I tried to fix the fan this morning by sticking the broom handle in the blades. Now we need a new broom.

Dr. appointment on Thursday to go over my blood work results. Oh joyous occasion.

Cpt J's wife as cynical as ever

See Light Bulb Over Head

I wanted to start off this morning by making a clarification about something. I am so unbelievably sad that phony-phonerton got cancer. I would never wish that on anyone and supported her for many months once she found out. My issue is with all of her other "problems." My issue is with the lies and deceptions that she put on me and other people and to now reach out for financial help ticks me off. Enough said.

It's only Wednesday, but regardless of my less than adequate sleeping accomodations (me chuckling), I can't wait until Saturday. I love to get together with these people and we always have a great time, no matter who ends up falling in the bushes. When we spoke yesterday, she announced that she is shooting for '09 to try to get prego. This is the same one who was considering "entrapment" due to her hubbies lack of enthusiasm is the kiddo department. She has realized the error of her thoughts and is taking a more postive approach. Thank God.

Cpt J is going over to our beach house tonight because he has his medical in the morning. He has been going to this guy for a million years and refuses to see anyone else. Honestly, I think this is the only examiner that lets him get by with the eye sight test. J is blind. No, seriously he needs glasses. Oh and deaf, yeah he can't hear. Such a precious pumpkin he is (me rolling my eyes). Anyway, my lip immediately stuck out when he told me he wasn't going to be home tonight. Oh, and he is taking the beast. I have been waiting for this reprieve for months, and now I don't want it. I really do like him, I do like it when they greet me when I come home.... what will I bitch about??

The only positive at this point is I get to have Chipotle at lunch and skip dinner.

Cpt J's wife realizing she actually likes her husband - a lot

Gum Off Park Benches

I am so moody that I am even starting to annoy myself. I feel awesome today! Just to protest the second "day" of fall, I am wearing a springy dress and the cutest freakin' flats ever! My crazy behavior no longer shocks my co-workers and they seem to anticipate each morning what "person" they are going to have to deal with. Make note here that I am never a mean or nasty person - at least not to the people I work with. I reserve that for the idiots on the road, in the grocery store, etc.

Cpt J has been a total gem the past few days. He better be considering he is still sitting on a 24-hour call out. I haven't had to worry about anything at home while I am working these insane hours. The beast has been taken care of and the house has been kept clean. So, that is a bit of a bonus of a stay at home husband.

Well, apparently everyone that knows phony-phonerton knew she was phony but didn't want to tell me. They all thought we were such fantastic friends that I wouldn't have believed them. They were probably right, but I really would have appreciated a bit of a heads up. Anyway, our office received an email from one of her family members looking for donations. WHAT????? The email went to a ton of people, but WHAT??? Our office bought her a plane ticket, my director gave her paid days off that she didn't have, her neighbors brought her WHOLE family meals for weeks after her surgery... NOW YOU WANT DONATIONS?? Tell her f'n husband to get a job! I don't give a damn if he picks gum off the bottom of benches in the park - GET A JOB DICK HEAD!! Whew, thank you I feel much better.

Do you think it is unlady like to belch?
Is it bad to wear white after labor day?
Do your underwear have to match your bra every day?
Am I only one that thinks T-backs hurt?
J will be off to Vegas for recurrent training in the next few months, should I be excited to get a break?

Cpt J's wife proud of being honest

Where I Have Been

Let me just make it clear - I am not in to S & M. But - a sexy, smart, tough bitch is who I am. I am so proud of myself for how far I've come and the crap I have left behind. I would have never have seen myself this way a 15 years ago. I know to some people that may sound like an eternity, but to me it is like yesterday.

Where is this coming from? Well, my ex that I finally had arrested for attacking me (for about the 100th time) .... is recently married. They are trying to have a baby. I found this out through a girl I work with that also was sleeping with this guy. I didn't find out until long after that he also abused her and killed her cat. If only someone had told me....

I can't talk to Cpt J about this, I am pretty distressed about something I can no longer do anything about.

Sorry for the depressing Monday morning post, the news was just a little shocking.

Cpt J's wife has a past

TMI TMI

So, the hoo ha doctor visit went well as I could have expected. I have to admit that that had to be the most shocked I have been in a long time. Not because I didn't know what to expect, but because this was stuff I had never discussed with a doctor. I was good with the prenatal vitamins, the folic acid and just general health - but when she started talking about ovulating, snotty substances, how you can measure the snotty substance, sex every other day on these dates, keeping a calendar... all I started hearing was womp, womp, womp, womp... "uterus"... womp, womp, "fertility challenges at your age" ... I left out of there like, Oh My God, I am actually trying to have a baby. I immediately called my mommy and told her what's up. I had to remind her that I am knocking on 40's door ... she still thinks I am in my 20's ... and then, we both had a reality check. By the way another month, still not prego. I am not obsessing people, I am not!

Cpt J got October's schedule. Reserve - AGAIN!!! It is only the 19th and I have had homocidal thoughts. How I am going to get through another month is beyond me. One day at a time, serenity now ... I am just grateful that he has a job. Schedules should start picking up again soon. A lot of it is charter and with flooding, hurricanes, and just all around nastiness, the flights are minimal. Don't you love how I can convince myself that this sitting around crap will be coming to an end soon?

So, I am still in work clothes. I have a big client in this weekend who is already driving me wonko via email. It will be a nice little paycheck, so I will try to keep my bitching to a minimum.

A week today and we are off to Jacksonville. eeeee yep. Can't wait. At least J and I had a pow wow yesterday and realized that we are the sane ones. Our couple friends love to get loopy and drink too much - well, the wife does. I still love her, it's just so predictable.

I have a feeling the PS3 will be at my house when I get home. More to follow ...

Cpt J's wife with no day off this week

Pork A La Puerto Rican

Yuck, it's Monday. I am still congested and a hot mess.

So, the party went well. I took a bottle of wine, got gay and signed it from DH, me and the beast. My neighbor didn't even take notice since he was so drunk. There were about 30 people there, all crammed on to their back porch that was covered in ants. Including myself and J, there were 5 white people there. Luckily there was minimal Spanish, (I think J spoke more Spanglish than anyone) so it wasn't uncomfortable. I don't know what these people do to their pork, but it is AMAZING! I have never been able to duplicate and I am jealous as hell. And they eat it with their fingers, anyone know why??

The night before J and I decided to have a bit of a heated "discussion." Well, he had the heated discussion, I just kept telling him that arguing out on the back porch for everyone to hear is totally white trash. So, what did sloppy-slopperton do? Talk louder. Did I go inside? No. When I got home Friday I was foul. I was sick of being sick, tired from work and generally in a pissy mood. As soon as I opened the garage door I sensed that NOTHING had been done all day. Sure enough, there they were. Cpt J and the beast sitting on the couch watching a movie. The reason they were busted is because I left work an hour early and didn't warn them. The look of shock was priceless. So, I stormed off and poured a goblet full of wine and went outside. And so it began. I warned J that I had had enough and something needed to change. Well, long story short by the end of the conversation we were filing for divorce and putting an end to the nightmare.

By morning, I smelled coffee and bacon. I heard the slider open with the beast in tow going outside. With a peck on the cheek, J was out the door off to the store. Within a few hours I had two new palms planted, weeds picked and trees trimmed back. Enough said.

When I saw my new neighbor BFF at the party I asked if she had heard anything. Even though she said no, I knew.. whatever. Her weirdo husband had a few to many and decided to sit next to me and fill me in on his "life at college." Um, what? I think that turning 40 is freaking him out. Cpt J says he stares at me because I am so pretty. Well, thanks J - but I really don't think that is why. I think he puts his bourbon goggles on and will talk to anyone that listens. I stopped listening, I went home. For the first time ever I left J behind at a party. Even with the 18 year old tramp there that kept borrowing cigarettes from him. The old hags at the party, (myself, my BFF and some other chick over 30) were like chickens in a hen house just pecking away at this girl. God, I DO NOT miss being that age. And I swear, I have never giggled in my life. Within an hour, J was home, trying to get some action and then passing out when I said no.

So, all in all the weekend was uneventful. This week I look forward to getting my teeth cleaned and visiting the crotch doctor. Cpt J and the beast have a list to do today, it better get done.

Cpt J's wife still loves him forever and thanks him for making her feel pretty

Christmas Lights

It's like having a new man at home. He flew yesterday so he was in a really good mood when he came home. Or, maybe he is just trying to get sex. Or it could be flying is like sex... anyway.

Did I mention that my neighbor BFF has never seen me with makeup on or something other than a tank top and shorts (sometimes my pj's)? Totally weird. Anyway, the beast made his way over to their yard last night so I trekked over to herd his ass home and ended up chatting with her. Ok, so here's the thing.. she was putting up Christmas lights. Yep, Christmas lights. I never bought in to the whole lights on your back porch all year long deal. I am not even a huge fan of those jalapeno pepper or smiley face lights around the pool. Not judging, just not my gig. So, I just watched her in dismay as she hung these big 'ole colored balls. I just don't even know what to say. Each and everyone of my neighbors has lost their marbles.

I asked her if they were coming to the 60th BD party. She was so excited that we are going too!! Yippee! I asked her what she was bringing - a fruit tray with dip. Apparently it is cream cheese and marshmallow puff or something. Sounds gross, probably good. Anyway, a fruit tray? Should I think this is normal? I am sticking to the wonderful suggestion of wine or rum.

One other thing that perplexes me... what is with men that wear "wife beaters?" Like, all the time. I get it when they are working out... but all the time, in different colors for each day of the week? BFF's husband always has one of these on. And he stares at me like I am preaching world peace. I like someone who pays attention and makes eye contact, but this is getting a little creepy.

J thinks I am a snot and I should get over my bougy attitude. I told him that at least I am not bringing crab puffs to a barbecue!

Cpt J's wife off to enjoy her shi shi ways

Super 8

Guess who is a happy camper today?! Mr. I-am-on-reserve-all-month got a call last night to pick up a flight for someone who called in sick. While I am thrilled he is flying, I have been sweating all morning weather or not I closed the garage door, locked the sliders and turned off the stove. By the way, I haven't used the stove in days. It's going to be a long day.

They closed the American Pie Pizza place by my neighborhood. That really sucks, I love their pizzas. Now I have no choice but to order from Gio-somebody-or-other up the street. I have a pizza obsession, it has to be huge slices and greasy. Not like the other unnamed chain delivery places that are, imo, just gross. So, I am at the mercy of this other joint.

Is it snotty to think staying at a Super 8 is bad? I realize it is only for one night, but these places are usually in unsavory neighborhoods and you enter your room from the parking lot. I think paying a few extra $ is worth it. Looking forward to my night in Jacksonville (eyes rolling).

I have eaten almost a whole cereal box of Organic Flax Plus Pumpkin Raisin Crunch this morning (dry, no milk).

Dr. Habib Abdullahramamshamadingdong told me that I would notice a difference in my "illness" within 6-8 hours after taking this glorious wonder drug elixer. Well, I had the best sleep last night with all of the goodies flowing through my veins... but I still feel like crap today. So, I am taking Dr. A up on his offer of another breathing treatment today. Damnit. PS... I haven't smoked in two days, but I am slightly freaking out. mindovermatter mindovermatter

Cpt J's wife has a future in sex calls that require a heavy breather

Goal - To Be A MILF

I need to know if I am part of some secret society of women. I need to know if I am the only one left out here that things growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.

I work a full time job, manage my home and my husband, want to get pregnant and am pretty damn responsible. Why do people think that I have to act and dress a certain way to "grow up?" One of the interns walked by my office while I was listening to reggae the other day. They knew who Bob Marley was, (doesn't everyone) but had this look of shock, perhaps disgust, that I was "still" enjoying that music. After allllll these years!

One of personal goals (when I have a child) is to become a MILF. I have every intention of getting plastic surgery, drive a nice car, drink martinis and dance around my house in front of everyone. No offense to my mom, but she was like.... a mom. She was definetly NOT COOL, dressed her age, stopped partying and was just... lame. Now, she is out of control. It's like she got it, after 35+ years of dealing with me she had to. I love to hang out with her now. I don't want my kid to have to wait until I am 70 and I go through a new beginning because I will be croaking in about 15 years.

My neighbors from Puerto Rico (I have to mention that because we just refer to them as "the Puerto Rican neighbors) invited us to a surprise BD party for the husband. Um, he's going to be 60. I am thinking they invited us because they are going to be loud and don't want us to get mad. If my new BFF neighbor is going then I'll go. Otherwise, it will be WEIRD. Sure, we wave to them and I am sure they stare at me in my PJ's in the morning - but to be social and not speak Spanish will be odd. Yes, yes they speak English, but not to each other. I am sure they are talking about us when they do that. Anyway, what if they invited us because it seems completely normal that we would want to go to a 60 year old man's BD party? What kind of gift do you get?

So, my question is - am I alone in not wanting to act my age? Is it ok that I think being a "cougar" is cool? And what do you buy a 60 year old Puerto Rican man that you don't really know for his BD?

Cpt J's wife still hacking but lookin' good for her "age"

Being Sick

While we didn't win on Saturday, I am very proud of the effort.

I am sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. It seems like every year around this same time I get bronchitis. Maybe it is the year worth of smoking cigs catching up to me. You will be happy to know that I was able to choke down around two yesterday and am suffering this morning. I cough and sneeze like a 400 pound trucker ... if one more person sneaks a spray of Lysol around my office, they are suffering my wrath. I am not a good sick person.

This all started around Wednesday last week. I shouldn't have gone to the CD show, but thank God I did. We had a blast. I scored free tickets as well as entrance to the "luge." Still don't know why it is called the "luge," but we were able to stay on a balcony where we had a birds eye view of the stage. At 210 years old Charlie Daniels still rocks.

So, Saturday morning I knew I was going to be in chest congestion hell. I knew it around 4 AM when I woke up gagging to death. I didn't drink much at the concert because I was sipping on Robotussin all day (yep, hoo hoo for the robo trips) and didn't want to end up hospitalized. Therefore, I knew this wasn't a hangover. I immediately ran for the thermometer and medicine closet. Yes, closet... I have a pharmacy at my house. I downed a concoction of liquids and tablets and fell back asleep for a few hours. Then the outlaws arrived. They don't live that far away, so I was shooting Cpt J the poison eye for not calling them and cancelling. I survived the relentless hours of sitting on the HOTTER THAN HELL porch, watching them drink into a pisser. By yesterday morning I was done.

My point in sharing all this is - Cpt J SUCKS at taking care of a sick person. I almost felt guilty for being sick. If he reminded me once more that when HE is sick, he likes to "get out there and sweat it out," I was going to rip his face off. He didn't bring me soup or tea or ANYTHING! When I would go in to a coughing jag, he would open the bedroom door (without sticking his head in) and ask me if I took more medicine. No feeling of my forehead, no tucking of the covers. He stinks. If I could have mustered the energy to drive to my mommy's I would have.

So, here I am at work. Seriously, I am better off. If I had to stay home with Mr. I - am - on - reserve - all - month, I probably would have called one of those TV divorce lawyers that come on during Jerry Springer. Day 8 - 22 more to go.

Cpt J's wife, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching

Get The Most Out Of Life - My Version

A girlfriend of mine is freaking me out. I have known her since HS and we have remained phone friends since then (I have probably actually seen her 6 times in the last 18 years), we speak almost every day. Quick history: I left my little town for the big city life and she stayed behind. So, I am sharing how I get the most of out of life - so far :) There will be more to follow.

"Experiment" at a young age
Learn how to select and enjoy wine
Get a college education
Don't borrow money from family
Establish great credit
Buy a house
Don't marry the first person that asks you just to get married
Travel
Counseling is not a bad thing
Have a sense of humor
Take advice from people who have been there
Have at least one expensive perfume
Have at least one expensive pair of shoes
Buying lingerie that stays on 5 minutes is a waste of money
Get a pedicure and manicure once a month
Learn how to walk around naked
Every now and then pee outside
Tell random people you love them
Show your teeth when you smile
Do the twist and the swim when you dance
Learn how to salsa
Buy a dog or cat (if so inclined)
Love your spouse for who they are, not what they are
Have at least one expensive set of sheets
Hold hands
Ride rollercoasters
Stop and breathe
Have a good cry once in a while
Take your parent(s) out to dinner
Look at old pictures of your family
Don't waste your time on people you don't like
Have people in your life that you are proud of
Have people in your life that inspire you to be better
Hold on tight to the people you love

Cpt J's wife having an emotional day

Random Randomness

The new 90210 sucks. I believe this show started in 1990 right around when I actually graduated from high school. I loved it, it was like the Dallas, Dynasty and Falcon Crest of my era. So, when I saw it was coming back I was intrigued. Got the bowl of Moose Tracks, plopped up on the bed and so it started. Sucked, sucked, sucked. Kelly is a counselor? Brenda is doing a play? Oh wait, Kelly has a son by "someone," (enter cameo performer name here). David and Kelly's little sister as well as "Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez" are in HS?? WHATEVER... as long as I have Big Brother... :)

I ended up taking an extra day off this week to try and recover from Saturday night. Yes, Saturday night (I realize it is Wednesday). Our barbecue/flashback to the 80's started off well and progressively deteriorated (I think). You always know that you had a good night when there are unidentified bruises on random parts of your body, you have no idea where you got all the dollar bills from, you double check that your car is in the garage and even the dog is still sleeping. And why do guys need to get in their underwear to "relax" after a night of drinking? Anyway, the band that we saw was awesome - but the venue was interesting. We spent about a million dollars on drinks, someone spilled something on my wonderful, crisp, new white capris (yeah, yeah I know - it was a good idea at the time) and I made about a hundred new girlfriends. I am broadening my list of BFF's. Drunk women over 40, slopping around, looking for some action..... fabulous new friends. If I could have seen through the lens on my camera, I would have actually taken some photos. We had a DD, so no one ended up in jail and so far the neighbors haven't complained.

Speaking of my neighbors. My new neighborhood BFF totally ditched us. I actually walked across the yard to their house, knocked on the door, and asked if they would like to join us Saturday. They looked at each other and said, "sounds great! We might go to the beach, but we will let you know!" Ok. So that was like Wednesday. Saturday afternoon rolls around. Phone call - "hey it's A, we couldn't find a sitter." I tell them to come over for at least one cocktail. hem, haw, hem haw... "ok." They both arrive, kid in tow, all dressed up. They "forgot" they had a play date. Should I be offended? Are you no longer my new BFF? I know my husband is a redneck, but what about me??

This is why I generally dislike people. So, if this was purely coincidental.. the play date thing... I don't want to hear it. Puh (me spitting)! It's over, you are dead to me!

Three more days until we play the Gators. Oh, and three more days until the outlaws arrive with their pork roast. Gack!!

By the way, Cpt J totally behaved himself this weekend and he is back on my good side. His flight to Gulfport was canceled, so surely he is sitting on the couch - in his underwear - with the dog - playing video games. By the end of the day I could be about to pop a cork again.

Cpt J's wife back at work and sore